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Tonight on the Video Music Awards, we were promised a Britney Spears opener, Katie Perry singing Like a Virgin and possibly kissing a girl that could possibly be Lindsay Lohan, and Kanye West closing the show.

Britney Spears did indeed open the show, but she did so with Jonah Hill of Superbad. She complained of being nervous about opening the show and he offered to give her some relaxation techniques, all of which included kissing, and none of which was she eager to partake in, that is if we were to believe her acting, which was terrible. She didn’t end up singing this year, and I suppose they thought this terrible skit would be better. As a consolation prize, she won best female video over Katy Perry, Rihanna, Mariah Carey, and Jordin Sparks feat. Chris Brown.

I wanna know what the deal is with artists not being able to record alone. Sparks, despite featuring Chris Brown, was up for female vocal. Three of the male artists up for best video also featured another artist with them. The one that won was ironically Chris Brown, winning for the song With You although he was one of the few that really did record alone.

Also not recording alone are the Jonas Brothers. Although they’re oddly performing while sitting on a stoop. They’re on some lot at a studio, but then the building opens up and reveals to thousands of screaming girls where they are, and all the girls come running towards them. Earlier, the host of the show, Russell Brand, after talking about politics, made jokes about the promise rings the Jonas Brothers wear. He compared that to Michael Jackson whose father just beat them with a belt to remind them of abstinence. I’m not laughing, but I get it.

We don’t necessarily get Katy Perry singing Like a Virgin. We get her singing it as we go away to break, and when we return we her a few bars of I Kissed a Girl. All these promises and that’s all we get of those songs?

And, because he’s TV’s It Boy, we also have Michael Phelps. He tells us he uses music to inspire him when he’s walking out to the pool. He introduces Lil Wayne feat. (here we go again) Leona Lewis and T-Pain. Honestly, I just do not get the fashion trend of pants hanging completely off the butt. I understand a little bit of the boxers showing, that little hint, but pants completely below the butt?

Lindsay Lohan makes an appearance and she’s with Ciara. They introduce the Dance Battle award and Fanny Pack wins. This crew is a mixture of guys and girls, and Lindsay kisses none of them. Best Dancing In a Video is the next award, and Pussycat Dolls win for When I Grow Up. They kiss a woman in the audience that I suspect they know, and one Pussycat kisses Lindsay … on the cheek.

Paramore is across town at Whiskey A Go Go singing, but after what happened with the Jonas Brothers, and the cast of Twilight telling us everything isn’t what it seems, I’m guessing they’re somewhere much closer. They’re only making me think of the band Loverboy, as in all the videos they dressed in a combination of black, red, and or yellow, and the lead singer here has on a black shirt, tight yellow pants, and red hair. A wall lifts and girls come running in to see them perform, obviously not at the Whiskey. Do you think the same fans would watch both the Jonas Brothers and Paramore?

All healthy again, it’s Shia LeBeouf with Slash. Now there’s an odd couple. They’re here to present Best Rock Video. The nominees are Paramore, Slipknot, Linkin Park, Foo Fighters, and Fall Out Boy. Linkin Park wins, and I have to think that’s a blow to Paramore that just got done performing. They must have thought they were being set up for the win.

Miley Cyrus is ripped away from rehearsing her Bon Jovi tune she’ll be singing a little later (isn’t that just like a teenager to wait until the last minute?), and introduces Pink. This is another song coming from outside on the studio lot. She marches around the “blocks” and then hops onstage to finish. I like this song and think I might have to iTunes it. By the way, we never hear from Miley again. Apparently that whole Bon Jovi thing was just a setup.

With a reminder that everything is not what it seems, Best Hip Hop Video is presented by Slipknot, but there’s a person hiding in a mask that doesn’t belong to them. Once they rip the mask off, it turns out it’s Christopher Mintz-Plasse from Superbad. We already had Jonas Hill, so will Michael Ceara be the next to appear? They all present the Best Hip Hop Video award to Lil Wayne. He has a different pair of pants on now, but his t-shirt hangs down low so there’s not boxer slippage.

John Legend and Jordin Sparks introduce the next act. And girlfriend, that dress does not look good as she wears it next to John Legend. She looks like an Amazon. She’s not worried about that, as she defends the right to wear promise rings. On another lot we have T.I. performing, walking down the street with a girl that does not look like an Amazon. But the hot pink  dress paired with the bulky white fur suggests he should be leaving her on a street corner. He does just that as Rihanna takes the stage again. The first time she was singing from this futuristic girl popping out of a cake thing, and now she takes the stage singing Live Your Life along with T.I.

The cast of High School Musical introduces Christina Aguilera who walks out onstage after we see a montage of some of her videos. She’s dressed like Cat Woman. Not that that’s shocking from her or anything. She never has the same length or color of her hair twice.

Russell Brand apologizes for his promise ring cracks, then brings out Lauren Conrad from The Hills and Chase Crawford from Gossip Girl. They present the Best New Artist award that we’ve been voting on all night. Well, others were voting on it all night. The one artist they didn’t pimp in any other spot, Tokio Hotel, wins the award. Maybe that’s our little way of saying stop pimping; we’ll vote for who we want.

LL Cool J sings coming back from a commercial, and this is followed by Paris Hilton taking the stage. She was looking the wrong way and couldn’t find her teleprompter. Wow, that was smooth. She’s presenting Best Pop Video, and the winner is once again Britney Spears. She says she’s speechless, and I think that’s probably a good thing. Michael Phelps claps politely in the audience.

Drake Bell and Josh Peck introduce Kid Rock singing All Summer Long. Can I make a personal plea for him to please put that song on iTunes? It’s on there, but not being sung by him. If I’m going to listen to this song, it’s going to be sung by him.

It’s the end of the night, and Kobe Bryant takes the stage to present the biggie, Video of the Year. Nominated are Britney Spears, Piece of Me, Jonas Brothers, Burnin’ Up, Chris Brown, Forever, Pussycat Dolls, When I Grow Up,  and The Ting Tings, Shut Up and Let Me Go, and the winner is Britney Spears … again. She stands up and hugs a Baldwin brother. Maybe they make all the people that make bad career moves sit together or something.

Kanye West closes the show singing a new song, and he has a blinking heart on his suit jacket. So that’s really the only thing that came through that they promised. Britney didn’t sing, as if they were afraid to have her do it again, yet won three awards for videos of her singing. Katy Perry didn’t get to sing all of Like a Virgin and didn’t lip lock with anyone, male or female, Lohan or not. But Kanye West did close the show, ending his boycott. They weren’t afraid to let him sing … and he didn’t win an award.

Photos courtesy of mtv.com.